Happy New Queer
I came out in 2025 aged 43. If you, like me, are thinking of coming out later in life in 2026 here are some lessons I learned too late that could maybe help you
There are only 10 lesbians
The only time you will know no lesbians is at your first sapphic event. After that you will see at least one you saw at the last event, probably more. Please let the full implications of that terrible truth sink in and adjust your behaviour accordingly.
If you’re thinking of going out but are overtired / PMSing / prone to ranting at strangers about the woman who ‘made you gay then broke your heart’ I would very much urge you to stay the fuck home with your dog, your straight bffs and/or several episodes of Feel Good unless you want to be know in East London as That Massive Downer. Don’t worry about missing out. There are only 10 lesbians. You will see them next week.
It is (apparently) totally normal to be friends with all your exes and it is (apparently) totally normal for them to be friends with all theirs. Please let the full implications of that terrible truth sink in and adjust your behaviour accordingly.
See every new friend as a potential lover and every new lover as a potential nemesis and every new nemesis as a potential friend. There is no friend zone. There is no long game. There is no escape. There are only 10 lesbians - you will get round to loving, being friends with, falling out with them all.
When you feel downhearted about coming out, imagine yourself as a debutante and the whole experience - going out, finding friends, lovers, rivals - as The Season. The only difference is you’ll leave in a U-Haul truck or a polyamorous collective, not a carriage.
You will never be The Hot One (but neither will they).
Not everyone fancies Regina. Their type might be Janis. YOUR type might be Janis. Women have lots of types. It’s actually good once you accept you’ll never be or attract them all. Yes, some like Regina, but many prefer fat women, thin women, alt rock women, twinset and pearls women, sportswomen, craftswomen, earth mother galz. It might be more personality-based or it might be that women have more imagination (at one point I had a crush on a woman whose look I can only describe as ‘Victorian orphan boy.’ )
When you’ve lived within the straight girl hierarchy of hotness for years this can take some getting used to. It is a confusing freedom that will dent your ego and likely make you rethink your look. When you’ve been performing femininity for men for years it may take a while to work out whether the hair should stay or go, whether weight loss matters, whether the dress should get longer or shorter or be burnt at the stake. There is no right or wrong but, what I will say is, it will be a very confusing time for you and your old friends to witness, as you turn up with extensions one day and an undercut the next.
If in doubt assume nobody fancies you.
This is not to put yourself down. You are beautiful and unique and someone will love you for just who you are. But also - it is genuinely impossible to distinguish flirting from people just being nice in sapphic spaces. People are really nice. So you can either
a) become very direct, ask lots of people out and just become cool with rejection or
b) be friends with everyone until you get more bored / drunk / horny than usual or
c) just wait for me to ask you out (there are only 10 lesbians - if you are now the 11th don’t worry, I’ll get to it)
Alternatively, if in doubt assume everyone fancies you.
That’s what straight men do after all
You don’t have to go to sex parties to make up for lost time, you can just stay home, watch The Chase and be bi. Apparently.
Volunteer for a Pride or other LGBTQ+ event, reach out to Experienced Gays you know and trust, search for LGBTQ+ MeetUps, go and find your people, there really is a community.
There will be times you’ll be sad, discouraged and lonely. You’ll wish you never went to that party, met that girl or came out at all. It’s ok. But still, the world only turns one way. The future’s a rainbow. Happy New Queer!
Bi for now
xY