Bird-watching

We’ve all seen them. The beautiful ones flying ‘v for victory’ to exotic climes, or gliding smoothly down the river, together, their young in tow.

Their happiness proves that even rare birds can find each other. Their found families defeating self-loathing, bigotry and fear.

It’s a wonderful truth but it is not the whole truth. Queer joy is real, so is queer isolation. For every gorgeous femme for femme dining à deux there’s another at home watching Friends because she has no friends.

For every gay couple serving salsa and smiles to a room full of peers there’s a boy in his room making jokes on social to receive a like on a Friday night.

Loneliness is the new black. According to the LGBT Foundation half of LGB people live alone, 40% are single and 12% say they have no one to turn to if they needed support. Isolation is particularly common among the over 50s.

I hate that stupid thing everyone says about loneliness being as bad for you as 15 fags (cigarettes) a day.

That just makes me feel more lonely. It makes me want to stay at home eating Tunnocks tea cakes and watching Heated Rivalry instead of going out - the opposite of what the study (by Dr Julianne Holt-Lundstat) was supposed to do, which was to illustrate the importance of social connection.

As a single, childfree, 44-year-old woman, a lot of the time I am lonely af but this is actually good in that I know the boulder in my stomach IS loneliness. For a long time I didn’t know what was wrong. I could just sense it, like a wrong note in a chord.

When I feel lonely I listen and look for red kites. You can’t miss their call, it sounds like a small child murdering the recorder. They are always flying about, brown wings with white stripes, making fabulously untidy nests, picking up pigeons or removing roadkill, the bin men of the skies.

They mate for life but they don’t give a shit about being alone. Look at them, up in the ether, floating on air currents, swooping on rabbits, having the time of their taloned lives. You don’t see them joining a book group to reduce their risk of an early death.

But that’s the difference between being alone and loneliness. You can be a red kite and enjoy it or you can sink into the quicksand. A great way to make yourself feel lonely is to compare yourself to others. Stand in the sand and stare down at your phone at their successful careers, perfect marriages, dazzling friendships. This includes those who are ‘vulnerable and honest’ and, crucially, popular. This includes your own posts because you know how ugly you are in real life.

Breaking out of isolation is not as simple as putting your phone in a drawer and joining a football team. For one thing, we are all broke af. If it’s between joining a Sunday league and working to keep the lights on you choose the lights. Even when you have the money, or if you can overcome your pride to try something free, getting out of the house is always 100% harder than watching your phone or TV.

You might get lost trying to find the pitch. You might not have the right things to wear. You might not like anyone. They might not like you. You might see someone you went to school with who used to call you ‘big nose’ and never did his homework but is now, against all odds, running a successful chain of coffee shops. He’ll both claim not to remember you and bore you to death about his 3D printer.

So no, going out doesn’t always seem appealing, especially when there’s something good on (which is always thanks to streaming services). I think it’s about finding a balance. Choosing when to be alone but also noticing the quicksand. It is always going to feel easier to look at a screen. It is always going to be cheaper, less anxiety-inducing and less hassle to stay in. But, however much Samantha, Miranda, Charlotte and, I guess, Carrie if you drink enough, feel like friends they are not your friends. Neither are the cast of The L Word (apart from Shane). All these ‘people’ have their place but if they stop you going out they’re actually all a bag of dicks.

You can do real life. You deserve real Friends. Doomscrolling, binge-watching and isolation - it’s for the birds.

xY